Do I really need HTTPS for this website? I’m tempted to get rid of it, but a blog post by Mathias Biilmann Christensen at Netlify suggests five reasons I should stick with HTTPS even though my site is static.

What are the reasons? I’ll list ‘em in a slightly altered order for your convenience.

  1. Better SEO
  2. Better analytics
  3. Protecting my content
  4. Taking advantage of cutting-edge webshit
  5. Protecting my guests

Better SEO?

I’m tempted to dispense with the first reason, because over the years I’ve become convinced that the solution to SEO is to kill Google with fire. Is that extreme? Maybe, but let’s not bullshit ourselves or each other. SEO is all about manipulating Google, and the biggest reason to manipulate Google is that they have a near monopoly on search.

How do we fix Google’s near-monopoly on search? We could try actually enforcing existing antitrust laws. Or maybe we should just outright dissolve the corporation, confiscate its assets under civil forfeiture, and dump Google’s intellectual property into the public domain.

What’s that? Punishing corporations for succeeding makes Baby Jesus cry? Wait till Baby Jesus sees the square hammer and nine inch nails I’ve got for saved when he grows up.

Better Analytics?

I can definitely dispense with this shit. Analytics are nothing but spyware, and like Google they should be killed with fire. Don’t even think of contacting me to tell me about how I’m wrong and analytics serve a legitimate purpose. Your legitimate purpose is nothing but marketing, and anybody who works in marketing should kill themselves.

No, I’m not joking or edgelording. I don’t think Bill Hicks was, either.

Protecting Content?

I’m not sure why Comcast would want to inject their shitty ads into my website when people visit while using Xfinity public wifi, but that doesn’t matter. If I wanted ads to show up on my website I’d run them my damn self. Since Comcast and other providers aren’t paying me to let them show their ads, they can go fuck themselves with secondhand Soviet ICBMs.

Using Cutting Edge Webshit

Apparently I need HTTPS if I want my site to access visitors’ locations, files, cameras, and other hardware through their browser. But why in the holy name of Papa Emeritus would I want that? We can dispense with this justification because it’s as irrelevant as the feelings of people who download torrents of bootleg copies of my books and dislike what they’ve read.

Protecting Guests

Here we go. Here’s a reason to keep using HTTPS I can get behind. It’s all about protecting you—the guest reading my website—from shitty ISPs injecting ads (like just about every ISP in the US seems to do), man-in-the-middle attacks, phishing, and other nefarious shit.

Verdict

It looks like I’ll be keeping HTTPS on my website. Not sure I’ve got it set up correctly, though, so I need to check into that…