Every once in a while I get unsolicited email from an utterly clueless tech recruiter. Today’s lucky winner apparently works for Onward Search. Personal names are redacted to protect the guilty, who are probably just doing their best to make a living working at a bullshit job.

Now, let the fun begin!

Hi there Matthew,

That’s just a bit too friendly, but at least they spelled my name right. You’d be amazed at how many people don’t seem to know how to spell my name.

I’m <REDACTED> from Onward Search, and we are actively looking for individuals with your background in Software. Your skills are very marketable, and we are constantly placing candidates similar to you. We would love to start a conversation and find out what you are looking for.

What kind of software do they mean? I use a _lot_ of software, being an author and a developer (and a generalist/full-stack dev at that).

How similar to me are these other candidates, anyway? Has Onward Search somehow stumbled on an enclave of metalheads who code for a living because they haven’t figured out how to write bestselling science fiction? Do these poor bastards resemble me, too?

If you could send me a copy of your resume, our recruiters would like to reach out to discuss things further.

I’m sure they would, but this suggests that the sender not only isn’t a recruiter themselves, but don’t actually have a particular position in mind. They’re just fishing for resumes or contacts.

If you’re not interested, but you know someone with a background similar to yours who would be, we would love to speak with them as well.

Nope. Not interested. And I’m not about to make enemies of people with whom I might have to work by giving out their contact info.